Actually Happened On Riverdale — Season 5, Episode 9

by Buzz Street Times

Ahh, the epic highs and lows of high school football.

1.

Gotta be honest here, I think this week was an ~epic low~ of high school football that Archie was talking about. Like, 99% of this episode is about the Bulldogs being a crappy football team, and all of the adults in this town care way too damn much about that. Get some better hobbies, people!


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Veronica and Archie are acting like one high school football team is going to redeem the entire soul of Riverdale and singlehandedly take down H*ram L*dge, but the problem is…the football team stinks!!! As in, literally has yet to score a single point.

2.

So Veronica does what she does best and offers up $10k to the first person on the team to score.


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See the problem with the time jump in this episode is that instead of being teenagers who are too obsessed with their high school football team they are GROWN ASS ADULTS who are too obsessed with their high school football team, and that’s just sad.

3.

But money isn’t the only thing that can save this town! Apparently pancakes can, too! Veronica convinces Tabitha to have Pop’s officially sponsor the Bulldogs, which means throwing a pancake breakfast. Luckily, they know someone with a ~thriving~ maple syrup business:


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Archie gives another impassioned speech about, like, football and pancakes, and everyone acts like it’s super deep and inspirational. Yawn.

4.

This a tangent, but I would really like to own a Pop’s bobblehead. Please let me know if you hear of any leads:

5.

In much sadder news, Alice is really suffering with Polly missing. Things aren’t looking great: Betty gets a call from Glen that the blood on the phone booth was a match for Polly’s blood.


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Okay, just to be clear, Glen is absolutely a villain. He is not to be trusted.

6.

Meanwhile, Jughead, who started the time jump fleeing debt collectors, now has the financial means to have a full alien surveillance system set up in some undisclosed place with massive windows?


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Am I missing something? Is this the Andrews home? Has he outfitted the sex bunker with windows? Is it better for me to just stop asking questions? Basically, Jughead has decided to pivot his novel to be about aliens…and how aliens are actually just a front for trauma or something?

7.

Turns out Jughead’s student LERMAN LOGAN wrote a story about the mothmen.


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Oh to be a mothman on the wall of the Riverdale writers’ room when they named Lerman Logan.

8.

One of the funniest things on this show at the moment is that Principal Weatherbee still wears just one glove because of the time the organ-harvesting cult leader suspected him of being a mole and cut off his finger before he tried to launch his rocket and drive a bus full of farmies off a cliff. I JUST THINK THAT IS FUNNY.


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Waldo has to discipline Jughead for being a crappy teacher, but based on everything I said above, not sure if he has moral high ground here.

9.

On a serious note, Kevin and Tom Keller had an emotional conversation and Casey Cott’s performance here was wonderful — their relationship has always been a high point of this show.


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At the start of the episode Kevin moves out of his home with Fangs and Toni, telling his dad he doesn’t deserve love. Then, Cheryl tries to intervene and, I guess, apologize for her behavior last episode, but it doesn’t end well. Later in the episode, Kevin is the victim of a hate crime at the sauna, which ultimately leads to an emotional conversation with his father where he explains that he feels ashamed to be gay, largely because his mom didn’t accept him. Basically, I really just wanted to give Kevin a hug this whole episode. He deserves more and better storylines.

10.

Also on a serious note, Lili’s acting this week was also great, and this scene where Betty went to Cheryl for advice about whether or not to tell Alice what she found out about Polly was a truly sweet moment.


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Betty ultimately decides to keep the truth from Alice to protect her, a choice that will come back to haunt her later.

11.

Bad news! Archie’s star player has transferred because he wants to be on a football team that actually scores points. So, of course, Archie and Veronica have no choice but to IMMEDIATELY HAVE SEX.


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Here is a convenient chart of how Archie handles his problems:
A) Can I create a new club, ideally financed by Veronica?

B) No? Okay, can Veronica just, like, throw a bunch of money at my problem?

C) Okay, can I make an inspirational speech about the soul of Riverdale, and then have Veronica throw a bunch of money at the problem?

D) Screw it! No, literally, it’s time to bang.

12.

Bughead teamed up again briefly this week, and what goes better with bughead than mothmen, amirite?


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A lot happens with the alien plot line this week. Betty and Jughead figure out that maybe Lerman and Polly were both captured in the ~spaceship~ (or whatever sounded like a spaceship), but Lerman managed to escape after being missing for a week. Unfortunately, Lerman and his family move out of town at the end of the episode.

13.

Betty also goes Dark Betty, and decides to take matters into her own hands to stop the creepy truckers in Riverdale from abducting girls.


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She comes very close to killing one of them, but luckily Jughead calls her in the nick of time.

14.

In a huge plot twist, Veronica proves she knows someone else from NYC other than Katy Keene — a football player named T Dub from the “New York Goliaths” who has nothing better to do than to inspire a genuinely bad football team!


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I’m just playing, he was obviously very kind and supportive of the team.

15.

Reginald has seemingly found his conscience this week and switches his allegiances back to the Bulldogs after calling a bunch of kids “losers” at Pop’s. He had no problem with the ~arson~, but draws the line at breaking high schoolers legs. Hmm…

16.

Not going to question how this Pop’s food truck was up and ready to go but I’m obsessed with it and I want one to go with my Pop’s bobblehead:

17.

Cheryl performed a musical number — “Stupid Love” by Lady Gaga — because of COURSE she did:


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Last week a dance battle, this week a musical number. There’s a 100% chance Cheryl is going to end up playing the lead in the HIGH SCHOOL musical this season, isn’t there? Also this was a reminder that Toni Topaz needs to be in every single episode of this show.

18.

I’m sorry, but something about football coach Archie is endlessly funny to me.

19.

Also just completely wild that the big climactic “win” here — and the main story line of this episode — is literally just a team scoring ONE TIME in a game where they were losing 52-0!!!


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But, alas, this means that the Riverdale Bulldogs get to stay in the league, a plot point that I forgot to mention earlier because it was so unimportant to me. (Basically, yet another scheme/bet between Veronica and Daddykins.) Also, I guess all is forgiven with Reggie now? K.

20.

I’m not a soulless monster though, I’m very happy for Britta! The kids on this team deserve the world, it’s just the adults who need to calm the heck down.

21.

Finally, Freaking Glen shows up and tells Alice the truth, and acts extremely sketchy and weird and says he’s now completely taking over the case. I don’t like it! Feels like Charles 2.0 to me…


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I’m LOL-ing that my only note about this moment was: “Glen!! IS!! Bad!!!” Where is the lie though?!

Alright, time for theories, questions, comments, and concerns before next week’s mid-season finale! That’s right, next week is the last episode until the summer. Fingers crossed that this town is finally rid of Hiram once and for all.

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