Actually Happened On Riverdale — Season 5, Episode 7

by Buzz Street Times

“I’ve seen a porcelain doll possessed by my deceased brother move faster than you.”

1.

Previously on Riverdale, Archie and Jughead were trapped in a fire that looked extremely life-threatening, but it turned out they had two fire extinguishers easily accessible and the house was basically undamaged except for a little bit of soot on picture frames. Of course!


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Hiram is committing arson all around Riverdale in his quest to become a more interesting villain, but unfortunately it’s not working. Please refer back to the lyrics of my hit song “Hiram Started the Fire” because I think it’s, unfortunately, going to be relevant for longer than I thought.

2.

The fire sparks (lol) Archie’s newest hobby of the week. From musician to football player to boxer to wrestler to mafia assistant to vigilante to bear wrestler to gym owner to soldier to teacher to savior of Riverdale, now Archie has decided to start Riverdale’s volunteer fire department just like his Grandpa Artie.


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You might be wondering, “Why doesn’t Riverdale have a fire department run by properly trained firefighters?” and that would be a great question. The answer is the same as the answer to most things on this show: “Hiram somehow got rid of it for ~scheming plot reasons~.”

3.

As is the case with most of Archie’s hobbies, he realizes he is completely useless and requires Veronica’s help.


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Veronica also ultimately provides Archie with a freaking firetruck. What would he possibly do without her?

4.

Betty and Alice visit Dr. Curdle Jr. at the morgue the way others might catch up with friends over a cup of coffee.


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The body that turned up in the swamp (I swear I keep hearing “Squiggle Swamp,” but apparently it’s the “Swedlow Swamp”) at the end of the last episode was not Polly’s body, so she’s still just missing, but there have been multiple bodies. It’s not good.

5.

The good news is Cheryl has finally left the house. The bad news is she (a woman in her mid-twenties) left the house to challenge a high schooler to a dance-off.


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I can’t explain it, but this has the same energy as millennials writing songs about skinny jeans and side parts on TikTok.

6.

So, remember how Jughead and Tabitha learned that there was maybe probably an alien invasion by the “mothman”? Well, it turns out that Pop Tate was once interviewed for a piece about the mothman (mothmen? mothpeople?), which I was selfishly thrilled about because it meant Pop Tate was back this episode.

7.

Archie’s friend Eric from “the war” (we! still! do! not! know! what! war!) comes for a visit, and he immediately gives off the same vibes as Uncle Frank, which is to say…he’s going to be an issue.


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He proves me absolutely right at the end of the episode, by declaring his intention to murder Hiram Lodge because he realizes Hiram represents everything wrong with society. In his defense, he’d be like the 17th character attempting to take down Hiram, and yes I’m including Hiram’s mysterious disease as a character here.

8.

Pop (who looks so happy in his retirement, I love to see it!) tells us about his experience with the mothman.

9.

We get to see young Pop as he tells us about the time he was at Pop’s and saw some flashing lights that were maybe aliens or maybe a military experiment or maybe just like a huge rager???

10.

But, PLOT TWIST, someone else we know and love was at Pop’s that night — NANA ROSE!!!!


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Bet she won’t have something extremely creepy to add to this discourse…

11.

As it turns out, Nana Rose did see the lights, and she believes they’re from the mothman ship because she found an alien corpse, had an autopsy performed on it, and PRESERVED THE BODY IN MAPLE SYRUP! Because of course she did!


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I love that maple syrup has so many purposes in this town! It’s great for everything from rum to waterboarding people to preserving alien corpses. That’s just savvy business, if you ask me!

12.

LOL, so none of Archie’s friends want to join his fire club, so he recruits a bunch of teenagers to risk their lives putting out fires when they were just, like, trying to go to school.

13.

Unfortunately, Veronica is engaging in equally stupid behavior, by attempting to fix the Riverdale economy by printing money (“riverdollars”) with her face on it.


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Both Archie and Veronica are inappropriately relying on their students to be their minions for their new passion projects, so I feel like we are about five seconds away from Betty recruiting tweens to create her new murder board. (And just as an aside, did Betty and Jughead forget that they are also teachers?)

14.

I absolutely hate to have to agree with Hiram, but I do:


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Hiram gets Veronica’s students to start printing even more money for him to mess up this weird fake money system, and I am definitely not a numbers person, but I don’t think this is how the economy works???

15.

Speaking of Hiram, he won’t let FBI Agent Elizabeth Cooper and Sheriff Tom Keller search the swamp for dead bodies for…reasons???


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I absolutely hate to give him credit, but Hiram had some A+ lines this episode. And no, “Jacker Crack” is not a typo.

16.

Betty remembers to call her FBI boyfriend, and he lets her know that the TRASH BAG KILLER (world’s funniest serial killer name!) is on the loose again.

17.

With a tip from Reggie who remembers he’s human for, like, one second, Betty finds out about another dead body — this time, the victim is a teen named Margaret Harper.

18.

As a little treat, Nana Rose sends over the preserved alien corpse to Jughead and Tabitha:


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Yummy maple preserves. I have no words.

19.

Jughead plans to send the thing off to a scientist, which leads Tabitha to ask this perfectly valid question:


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Honestly, it’s only a tiny bit weirder than a speakeasy downstairs.

20.

Cheryl officially starts working with the River Vixens again and delivers a throwback line to one of my all-time fave Riverdale duos — JJ and Julian! I’ve missed these sweet bbs.

21.

All the River Vixens drama meant Cheryl and Toni had an emotional reunion, but they’re still not on good terms. And we still don’t know the story behind Toni’s baby…

22.

Also in Cheryl land, Minerva Marple (remember her?) somehow figured out that the $250k portrait of Jason Blossom was a forgery, and it seems like she’s about to get into some scheming with Cheryl.

23.

Ummm, okay so Jughead gets abducted by aliens!!! Bye, Jughead!


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Okay, fine, I’m kidding. But he does probably see the mothmen or whatever those lights actually are. And then their sticky new corpse friend goes missing…yikes.

24.

Archie and his fire club get their first fire, and something about how this guy alerted them really cracked me up:


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“Hey, is this the fire department? I thought it was a gym, like, a day ago?”

25.

BTW, just as an aside, Archie’s fire club is sponsored by CORE water.

26.

In sad news, Archie was unable to save this man, Earl, from the fire. At this point, the death toll in this town is so astronomically high it would be impossible to count.


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Earl, like so many other characters who have come and gone from our lives, is yet another person whose life has been ruined by Hiram Lodge for no good reason.

27.

Kevin and Fangs realize it wasn’t nice of them not to volunteer to be firefighters (though, I honestly disagree! I think it’s perfectly acceptable to opt out of your friend’s fire club!), so they join up:

28.

And finally, Betty and team discover that there’s actually like 21 missing girls and Riverdale almost definitely has a serial killer problem once again. An arsonist, a serial killer, and a mothman — and that’s just one week in this town.

Well, that was a lot to unpack and preserve in a maple syrup barrel. Any theories? Questions? Concerns? Tell me in the comments, and I’ll see ya next week!

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