25 Riverdale Moments That Actually Happened — 5×05

by Buzz Street Times

1.

The episode begins with Jughead reminding us what everyone is doing after the time jump: “Archie had been in a war, Betty was an FBI agent, Veronica was married, Toni was Queen of the Serpents, I was a published writer.”


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Not only is that a hell of a line of dialogue, but I find it pretty insulting that “married” is the only term he can come up with for Veronica, who is a wildly successful…well, I’m not sure what she is??? Aspiring she-wolf of Wall Street? Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems? Sports agent? But all I know is she is more than just someone’s WIFE.

2.

Both pairs of exes (Varchie and Bughead) decided to go for the requisite “late night ex stroll,” and we learned that Jughead left Betty some kind of angry voicemail before his book launched and Archie hasn’t dated anyone since Veronica. But this is the biggest takeaway I had:


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Thrilled to see Veronica hates Chadwick as much as I already hate Chadwick.

3.

A lot has changed in Riverdale in seven years, but luckily the sex bunker is still alive and well and exactly as Jughead left it:


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All of my most favorite Riverdale people and things are back this week: Pop Tate, Smithers, Jingle Jangle, the Sex Bunker, Juniper and Dagwood! All we needed was Nana Rose for a truly elite episode. I’m really getting ahead of myself here though. More on this soon.

4.

The Serpents, much like me, can’t stand Jughead now because — as a LITERARY GENIUS — he continued to do his favorite writing trick, which is “basing all of his fiction on his own life and loosely changing the character names.” (Do I need to remind you of Brown Hood???)


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How did this man even get a book deal???

5.

I think Toni spoke for all of us here:

6.

The main plot of this episode was Hiram trying to shut down Riverdale High and unincorporate Riverdale as a town, which led Archie on a mission to save the day. Reminder: This town DOES NOT FUNCTION without Archie, Veronica, Jughead, and Betty.


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The biggest things we’ve learned about Kevin so far are that he’s teaching a bunch of classes and apparently he just binged Succession. I also absolutely love that there is a Riverdale High teacher named “Ms. Crouton.” And yay, Alice is back!

7.

Speaking of Hiram, it wouldn’t be an episode of Riverdale without some Lodge family drama that I don’t really care about. Importantly, Hermosa up and moved the rum business to Miami. Sad. RIP HiRUM.


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Veronica and Hiram engage in more arguments, and I’m just so tired of it all.

8.

As part of his quest to save Riverdale, Archie is particularly upset that the Ghoulies now live in his childhood home. I’ve never laughed harder than Archie saying they turned it into a “drug den” only to get a closeup of JINGLE JANGLE!!!!


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If you don’t remember, Jingle Jangle was a series regular on Season 2 of Riverdale, starring as the drug of choice of the teens of Riverdale. You might think “Hey aren’t those just…Pixy Stix?” and you’d be absolutely…wrong! No! It’s not Pixy Stix, it’s a VERY DANGEROUS DRUG, OKAY?

9.

Archie goes to Sheriff Keller with his extremely relatable conundrum:


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Who among us has NOT had trouble with the gang bangers who are using our houses as drug dens?

10.

So, an elite squad of one FBI agent (Betty), one former-now-current sheriff (Tom Keller), and a few other people with absolutely zero credentials other than “fought a bear” (Archie), “in a snake gang” (Fangs and Sweet Pea), and “was briefly in a cult and made tickle porn” (Kevin) do a raid of the Ghoulies’ Jingle Jangle stash.


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Archie proceeds to break every single thing in his own home during this raid, which seems wildly impractical considering he is the one who will need to clean it up later. Same energy as having a temper tantrum as a child and throwing my toys everywhere only to realize how I was only harming myself.

11.

And, yes, the rumors are true…Betty and Archie had shower sex (!!!!!) and it was STEAAAMMMYYY.

12.

While trying to avoid his debt collectors, Jughead gets help from Tabitha, and she’s quickly becoming my new fave. Especially when they ask for Jughead Jones and she says:


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Already my hero! Meanwhile, Pop offers to loan Jughead money, because he is the greatest person to ever exist. Thankfully, Jughead says no, but he does take on a job at Pop’s.

13.

Betty is having nightmares about the Trash Bag Killer, which is funny because I too cannot sleep at night thinking about how Riverdale named them the Trash Bag Killer:

14.

Like I said earlier, we were reunited with a lot of faves. For example, Smithers is back!


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In the ranking of “characters I wish would adopt me as their grandchild,” Smithers is a close third only after Pop Tate and Nana Rose, so I’m thrilled to see him!!!

15.

Hannah Montana is back!


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JK, it’s Veronica’s alter-ego Monica and we actually have the worst of both worlds. Her husband Chadwick is proving to be as awful as we thought he was, and he has been following Veronica and also canceled all of their credit cards for REASONS. This man must go.

16.

Juniper and Dagwood are back! We love a glow-up, and by glow-up I do mean going from LEVITATING IN A FIRE PIT to just casually doin’ some homework.

17.

Polly is back! Love these sweet sisterly moments!


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Polly has fallen in with the Ghoulies, and she and Betty aren’t getting along great, which is fair when you remember that Polly basically dragged her and all of her friends into a cult that was harvesting organs??? I love how we’re acting like Betty was just an ordinary “mean sister” to Polly. There’s a lot that they need to unpack.

18.

Reggie is back, but Mullet Reggie is here for the first time, baaaby!

19.

Jughead’s writer’s block is back!

20.

Okay, but speaking of Jughead’s literary career, I have to cackle. In a panic, Jughead sends his agent the speech he is giving at Pop Tate’s retirement party, and the agent LOVES it so much that he forces him to write a book about it/the people in small town Riverdale??? So Jughead is writing, like, Riverdale Hillbilly Elegy I guess?


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This reminds me of the time my bat mitzvah speech was optioned for a Hollywood adaptation! Again, Jughead only knows how to write things about his personal life. This is going to backfire horribly, and I love it.

21.

We said goodbye to Pop Tate at his retirement party, and I TOTALLY CRIED! We don’t deserve him!

22.

They all did a milkshake toast in Pop’s honor, and I had a lot of thoughts about it:

23.

Alright, so back to the main story of this episode! In order to save Riverdale High (with the financial backing of Cheryl Blossom), they’re turning it into a FREE PRIVATE SCHOOL and Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica are all putting their lives on hold (“Quantico can wait”) to come back and teach despite having zero qualifications!


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We also learn that Veronica’s married last name is Gekko (presumably like Gordon Gekko from Wall Street), but for the first time, I truly DO want Geico, not Gekko. And Archie and Jughead decide to be roommates, which 100% will not be awkward as Archie continues to hook up with Betty.

24.

In the biggest twist of the episode, I agreed with Chadwick! Veronica tells him that she’s staying in Riverdale to be a teacher and he says:


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It sure is, Chadwick. Luckily, Veronica also completely told Chadwick off, which I absolutely loved. He’s GOT TO GO.

25.

And, finally, ummmmm…things are not looking good for Polly, who is seemingly being chased by the same SERIAL KILLER TRUCK that we encountered at the end of last episode.

So, what do we think? Any theories? Is it a GARBAGE truck for the TRASH BAG KILLER? Is Polly dead? Will Reggie get a haircut? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you back here next week!

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